By Tom McMahan
Among the hundreds of people we meet in our lifetimes, there are a few we hold dear. We call them our friends. We may take one look at them and, in an instant, see them for who they are, or we may tolerate their presence until we begin to enjoy them. They come in all forms, from all walks of life, each with their own contributions to our experiences, and we delight in sharing them with others.
But things get muddled. Over the years we have developed a warped understanding of what friendship really means. Our definition of friendship has been plagued by things like consumerism, competition, selfishness, pride, and judgement.
To get a pure reference for what a true friendship looks like, we take a step back in time, to the friendship between a young man named David and his dearest friend, Jonathan.
Jonathan is from the tribe of Benjamin, the son of Israel’s King Saul, and is successor to the throne. David is a shepherd from the tribe of Judah who joins King Saul’s army and slays an enemy champion named Goliath.
After David kills Goliath, King Saul takes David under his wing and Jonathan becomes his friend. Jonathan is described as “making himself one in spirit with David, because he loved him as himself.” It is important to observe that Jonathan loved himself, not in a narcissistic way, but in a self-respecting manner. He had no desire to sabotage himself. He was kind, caring, and serving toward his own life. Thus, the friendship between Jonathan and David begins with a person who knows how to treat himself, which gave him the capacity to treat David with equal care.
The next important observation is that he loves David in totality, holding nothing back. “Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt. This was a demonstration of Jonathan giving David his birthright. Jonathan sees God’s plan in David, considers himself as less important than David, then of his own free will, gives him his right to the throne. How often do we look at our friends and say to ourselves, “You are more important than me”?
We call the person we meet at a store “a friend” because he is nice and gives us deals. We spend our weekends with a group of friends because we all do fun things together. We have close friends who, beyond the surface, have no idea what is happening in each other’s lives. We leave people behind because they are struggling with things we may not understand. Once something is required of us in the relationship, we quickly lose interest.
After several battles and victories against the Philistines, David is praised more than King Saul, and the king became afraid of him. After several disgruntled attempts at getting rid of David, King Saul makes him an enemy and plots to kill him.
When Saul tells Jonathan to kill David, Jonathan stands up to his father, the king, and pleads that David be left alone. Saul tells him that David will be spared, but this does not last long. When Jonathan discovers his father is about to kill his friend, Jonathan warns David and helps him escape.
David then lives in exile, sleeping in caves and hiding out in fields while Saul searches to eliminate the threat to his kingdom. However, Jonathan does not abandon him. When they first see each other again, they renew their covenant to each other, embrace each other, and weep together. David weeps the most.
Here are two grown men, both who have fought for their lives and their nation, who have faced death, who are both fit for crowns, crying together. Jonathan makes himself vulnerable by standing up to his father, by helping David escape, and by warning David continuously about the threats headed toward him. More importantly, Jonathan and David are personally vulnerable and transparent with each other.
How can we expect our friends to be our true friends if they don’t know our struggles and victories? And how can we be true friends if we aren’t given the opportunity to be one? It is a two-way street.
Lastly, the friendship between Jonathan and David is formed around a covenant. This is more than a promise; it is a binding contract, and it is what holds them together through thick and thin. We might not go around collecting signatures from all our friends, but we should do our part by sticking around when things get tough.
True friendship is about loving ourselves and loving the people around us, considering them as more important than ourselves, being transparent and vulnerable. It’s about commitment rather than convenience.
Finding a friend like David may seem like a tall order after a quick look around, but we will never have such a friendship if we don’t try our best to be a friend like Jonathan.
Is it clear that David loves Jonathan? Jonathan -- like everyone else, it seems -- loves David. But what David feels is kept quite under wraps by the narrator. I even suspect his voluminous tears.
You may also include availability as a trait of a true friend. They will drop everything to come during a crisis, but also seem to be able to prioritize just being there when called upon regardless.